Comrades! We Must Redouble Our Efforts to Raise Money to Fight for the Emancipation of the Working Class!

[The following is a verbatim transcript of the Dear Leader’s most recent speech, graciously given last evening to the assembled comrades of Party Local 1 in Chicago.  All Hail the Dear Leader!]

[Recording begins: “… hey – that guy didn’t ‘Hail the Dear Leader’ loudly enough!  Get him out of here!” [scuffling, doors slamming, muffled cries for help, etc.]


DL: “I said, ‘good…” [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]


DL: “Jeezus fucking chr…” [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

DL: “ALL RIGHT!  STOP IT ALREADY!  I’VE GOT JUST A COUPLE OF THINGS I’D LIKE TO SAY!  ENOUGH WITH THE BROWN-NOSING!  I HAVEN’T EVEN SAID ANYTHING YET!  JEEZUS!”  [silence] “That’s better.  Damn!” [scattered applause followed by harsh “shushing”]

DL:  “Comrades!  I’m here to spewak with you about our current fundraising campaign for the Independent Workers Party… [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]”… ah, shit… there they go again… what the fu… KNOCK IT OFF!” [SILENCE]

DL: ” Our party has for the past several months created several campaigns in order to raise much-needed funds for our party activities – money that we need in order to even begin to counter the well-funded round-the-clock propaganda operations of the class enemy. We have created a Cafe Press storefront selling IWPCHI merchandise [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE] – items useful to the proletariat, and at the same time amusing and enlightening the workers and relieving in a small way the daily drudgery of the masses…   [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE] “…at reasonable prices.    We have also created our magnificent WordPress blog [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE, JOYOUS PROLETARIAN SHOUTING]”…  Our blog has been a modest success: in every month since we started it, the number of hits has been steadily increasing…  [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE] “… ahhh shit. [whistles “The Internationale” while the applause continues, then subsides]

DL: “Are you gonna keep doing that or will you let me speak? [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE, Shouts of “YES!”]  “oh, man…”

DL: ” Comrades, our party has been, for the past several months, trying to utilize a mechanism of funding originally designed by a cabal of capitalist running dogs  to raise money for such things as cute-puppy surgerythe production of ecologically-friendly drinking straws,  and the production and distribution of miniature Dungeons and Dragons figurinesand even the production and distribution of miniature Dungeons and Dragons figurines…   [UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]” …in order to raise money for our party’s vitally important work.   Don’t laugh, Comrades!  [SILENCE]  These running dogs of US imperialism have raised millions of dollars for these projects and thousands of other frivolous projects just like them.  American workers and workers all over the world have responded to appeals for funding such things as   ‘Orapup’ – a tongue brush for dogs that claims to eliminate canine halitosis…”  [HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER, CHAIRS BEING KNOCKED OVER, COMRADES ROLLING ON THE FLOOR IN UNBRIDLED PROLETARIAN MIRTH] “COMRADES!  The ‘Orapup’ campaign has raised, in just a month, over $41,000 dollars in contributions! [GASPS OF DISBELIEF]
“Yes, comrades, it is true.  And that is not the worst of it.  Our campaigns – we are now in the second fundraising campaign on the “Indiegogo” website – have, in almost 60 days of non-stop campaigning RAISED NOT A SINGLE DOLLAR!” [SHOUTS: ‘NO!’  ‘INCREDIBLE!’  HYSTERICAL SOBBING]  “Yes, it’s true, comrades!  While the running dogs promoting  ‘Hot Guys With Guns’ – Hollywood’s first gay action comedy  have succeeded  in raising over $21,000 for their ridiculous project, which will do nothing for the workers except to distract them from the struggle to overthrow the capitalist system, our campaign – a campaign to start building a working-class political party here in the United States – the belly of the capitalist beast – has not succeeded in raising a single penny! [SHOUTS: NO! IT IS NOT POSSIBLE! GUNSHOTS AS MEMBERS BEGIN TO COMMIT MASS SUICIDE]

DL [ducking behind podium]:”JEEZUS CHRIST!  WHERE DID THOSE GUNS COME FROM!  STOP THEM!  ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?  OH MY GOD!  YOU CRAZY BASTARDS!” [Order is slowly restored.   Dear Leader goes around disarming those comrades who stand holding guns to their temples.  The wounded are cared for; the self-martyred dead are carried to the outside of the conference hall, etc.]

DL: “You crazy bastards!  Jeezus!  Jeezus!  Now, where the hell was I…?” [Comrade in the audience: ‘You were saying that our Indiegogo campaign has been a failure…’]  “Right, right.  Thanks, comrade.  Jeezus!  Fucking crazy bastards!  [Voice: ‘We’re sorry Dear Leader – it won’t happen again!’  Other voices make affirming comments to the first comrade’s statement]  “Good, it better not happen again.  Damn!  You guys are goddamned crazy!”

DL [continuing]: ” It is sadly true, comrades.  Our fundraising campaign has been an abject failure.  How can we hold our heads up and present ourselves as worker-leaders when we can’t even out-compete those who, as I speak to you now,  are raising tens of thousands of dollars  to produce a pair of electric-powered sunglasses that create YouTube videos at the touch of a button!.   [POWERFUL GASPS OF PURE PROLETARIAN DISBELIEF]  “I shit you not, comrades!”  [VOICES: ‘It cannot be!  It is a bourgeois trick!  It is another lie of the capitalist press!’, etc.]

DL: “I am afraid it is all too true, comrades.  All our efforts – nearly 90 vitally important articles infused with fighting proletarian spirit – have not yet encouraged a single donation out of the thousands of website hits our blog has received from oppressed workers all over the globe!”  [VOICES:  NO!]

DL:  “Comrades, we must redouble our efforts to reach the masses.  Of course, our glorious Party will not die if we cannot obtain funding from the workers directly.  We ourselves will contribute the money we earn as workers to keep our party strong… [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE] “…our party leaders have considered this question with all the seriousness they can bring to bear on even the tiniest issue – like whether it is more revolutionary to go to Caribou Coffee instead of Starbucks –  and they have come to the conclusion that our inability to raise the kind of money that a campaign that built a look-alike iPhone case that in fact conceals a powerful stun gun was able to raise may indicate that the workers in the United States simply do not give a shit about the future of their own country enough to support a political party of the working class…” [VOICES: ‘NO!  IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!]  “Yes, it may be the case, comrades.  They are so entranced by their iPhone 5s that were built by virtual slave labor in Maoist China that they can’t be bothered to fight for their own rights…” [VOICES: ‘A LIE!’ ‘You do not mean what you say, Dear Leader!’]  “No, my comrades, it may be true.  Years of playing Nintendo and Wii for hours has turned their will to struggle into a facile yearning for the comforts of a soft couch in front of a large television screen…” [VOICES: ‘NO!  NO!’]

DL:  “I know, it is hard to take, this indifference of the proletarians of the US, who, once organized into fighting battalions could rid the world of the most vicious, bloodthirsty ruling class in world history – has instead settled for fighting computer-generated villains in the latest video games…” [VOICES: ‘They will fight, Dear Leader!  We will organize the working class to break out of their infotainment-induced stupor!’]  “Yes, I know you will try your best, comrades.  But we must stop here and re-analyze our methods.  What can we do to make our campaign more interesting and compelling  for the workers of the world?  What is it that draws their attention to projects like the one that seeks to produce a combination solar lamp and phone charger  that its inventor claims will somehow “improve the lives of millions” while our project, which aims to end the exploitation of man by man all over the world and which seeks to stop the US capitalist class’ insane drive towards World War Three goes completely unfunded?  This utter, abject failure of our fundraising campaigns may in fact prove conclusively that the working class of the US is so completely fucked up that they can’t even mount the most elementary self-defense against their continual degradation under capitalism and the steady decline of their incomes since 1968.   It may take the same kind of intervention by the rest of the world’s workers to overthrow the US Government that it took in the 1940s to crush the repulsive Hitler regime.”
[VOICES: No!  No!]  “Time will tell, comrades.  Time will tell…” [VOICES: ‘They will fight!, etc.]

DL:  “I know they will, comrades, I know they will.  Your confidence in the American working class is an amazing thing to behold in these dark days…

“That is all I have to say today.  Look again at our blog.   Look again at our Indiegogo campaign.   Check out, once again, our party’s online store.  See if you can come up with any way to make these things more interesting to the working class than a campaign to help a Las Vegas hypnotist open a show across the street from the MGM Grand!”  [VOICES: ‘We’ll do it, Dear Leader!  The workers will stand rise up and fight their US imperialist oppressors!’]  “I know you’ll try, comrades.  But Kevin the Hypnotist has raised over $20,000 already…” [The Dear Leader breaks down sobbing and rushes out of the room, followed by the members of the Central Committee. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE, SINGING OF ‘THE INTERNATIONALE’]



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