List of Chicago’s Billionaires Eager to Help the Poor, Homeless

Hooray!  Forbes Magazine – the magazine that celebrates the unbridled greed of the US capitalist class –  just came out with this year’s list of the world’s richest people!  You’ll be proud to know that, while over 30% of US citizens live at or below the poverty level – that’s over 100 million of your fellow wage-slaves, if you’re doing the math – there are 442 billionaires breathing the same polluted air as the rest of us in the US now!  And the total NUMBER of billionaires in the US has actually RISEN in the past year – by a grand total of 27 people!  Isn’t it great to be a worker who has lived long enough to see so many of your fellow Americans doing so well?

But that’s not all, fellow debt-peons!  Get ready for this: the US still has more billionaires than ANY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!  WOO HOO!  That’s right, WE’RE STILL NUMBER ONE IN AT LEAST ONE CATEGORY: MOST BILLIONAIRES!  That’s billion, with a “B”, baby!  This is indeed the greatest country in the world, where anything is possible if you work hard enough for long enough!

And to think that we at the Independent Workers Party of Chicago were – right up until the other day when we ran across this exciting news in the Chicago Tribune – going around talking about dumb shit like the need to overthrow capitalism in order to bring about a more egalitarian society!  Egalitarianism shmalitarianism – in just under 500 years the US has gone from having NO billionaires to having 442!  Hell, at that rate, in just about a couple of billion years from now we’ll have so many billionaires that no one will ever be homeless or hungry – all you’ll have to do is go down the street and knock on the door of the nearest billionaire and ask for a couple hundred thousand bucks!  They’ll immediately give you enough money to pay the rent for the rest of your life.  It’ll be awesome!  The capitalists are right – capitalism IS evolving into socialism!  All we have to do is wait about 2 billion years and every worker will be a millionaire and there’ll be hundreds of thousands of billionaires!  (Of course, a gallon of milk will cost $10,000.00, but, hey, only ingrates like we used to be would complain about that).

So capitalism is steadily evolving into socialism!  An egalitarian workers paradise will arrive right here in the capitalist US if we just hang on for the next 2 billion years, give or take a couple million!  In the meantime, stop bitching about your crappy pay and your lack of health benefits and the cost of living increasing while your pay shrinks and the fact that you can’t even dream of buying a new car. Someone has to make a few sacrifices here and there in order for those hard-working 442 to amass over a billion dollars each – may as well be the 300 million of you!  What are you, a playa-hater?  Go back to your cold apartment, eat your government cheese and shut up already, you goddamned proto-commies!  If you 300 million red-white-and-blue non-billionaires weren’t such a bunch of lazy, no good, drunken bums you’d all be billionaires too, like these hard-working people on Forbes’ list.  You have no one to blame for your poverty but yourselves – remember that!  Bunch of jealous bastards!

If for some reason you are having trouble paying your bills – most likely because you spent the very generous wages those 442 billionaire owners of the companies you work for give you every week for doing practically nothing on drugs or alcohol – here’s the list of Chicago’s billionaires.  Look them up; give them a call, or just drop by their mansions to say hello and ask – nicely – for a hand UP (not a hand OUT – remember that).  They all like to give money to the poor through the hundreds of charitable organizations that are constantly giving sumptuous banquets in honor of their God-like philanthropy.  They are really a nice bunch of people!  Look them up, go to their homes and just go right up and knock on their doors and tell them your story.  We’re absolutely certain that they’ll take very good care of you – by calling the police and having you kicked off their fucking property, you no-good peasants!  As Mitt Romney said: at least 47% of you aren’t worth the price of the very air you breathe – or words to that effect.  Why don’t you go die already?  If it wasn’t for your 300 million miserable existences, the US would be up to 443 or even 444 billionaires by now!

There are 17 of your fellow Chicagoans who haven’t spent their entire lives feeling sorry for themselves – they picked themselves up by the bootstraps and went out and made a goddamned billion dollars – just like that!  Why haven’t YOU done that?  Because you’re all lazy, good-for-nothing peasants who don’t even deserve the crumbs that fall off the billionaire’s tables that’s why!  Especially all you non-white people!  Oh, we can hear you now, whining: “why aren’t there any non-white people on this list?”  Because your ancestors never worked as hard as J. Christopher Reyes’ ancestors, that’s why!

And don’t let’s hear you goddamned commies point out that, of Chicago’s 17 billionaires, 6 have the name of “Pritzker”, and 2 have the name of “Reyes”.  They all earned every penny of their hard-inherited money!  Goddamned commies!  Go back to Russia!  The Pritzkers have always been tremendously hardworking people, charitable people; the Reyes’ too – unlike YOUR ancestors!  The Pritzkers and Reyes spread that money around… their own families!  They take care of their own, like any good family does!

If you ask any of these people nicely enough, they will certainly be happy to pay your rent or at least put you up in one of the hotels or casinos they own.  Get off your lazy ass for once and go out and do for yourselves!  Before you go around dissing these rich bastards that have amassed billions while you are forced to spend 75% of your monthly income on rent, go to the Pritzkers and ask them for a job, at least!  They love their fellow Chicagoans!  They can’t sleep at night sometimes, they worry so much about the plight of the 35% of the Chicago population that lives at or below the poverty level.  That’s why they give so much to charity – it helps these poor filthy rich people sleep at night!

Here are their names:  we aren’t publishing their home addresses for you – you get off your asses and go find their addresses your own damn selves! And if you really need the help and aren’t just one of those fake “poor” people who actually drive a Mercedes-Benzs to your begging “job” every day – any one of these kind people will see to it that you get what you deserve!  To help you choose which one of these fine fellow Americans to beg for money to pay your bills or student loans, we asked a well-connected Chicago socialite to provide commentary as to the personal qualities of each of Chicago’s billionaires.  Her comments are in parentheses after each philanthropist’s name, job title and company.

1)  Ken Griffin – CEO, Citadel (“Richest guy in Chicago, cheapest as well.  Try him only if none of the others will come through”).

2)  Sam Zell – Owner, Equity Residential REIT – (“Throws money away like a drunken sailor; if you are mediocre Latino baseball player, the sky is the limit”)

3)  J. Christopher Reyes – Co-chairman of distributor Reyes Holdings  (“Real first name is Ethelbert; in brilliant, headline-making deal in 2008 sold naming rights to first initial to J.C. Penney for a reported $1.75 million; known to give crisp 100 ruble notes from USSR to homeless beggars working expressway off-ramps from back seats of stretch limos.  Thinks that’s a joke, apparently.  On second thought, try other 16 first.”)

4)  Jude Reyes – (“goddamned right there’s a relation, dummy!”) – Co-chairman of distributor Reyes Holdings (“Will not talk to you if you don’t address him as ‘M’lord’ “)

5)  Jay Robert Pritzker – Runs private equity firm Pritzker Group (“Very nice guy and always an easy touch for a couple of bucks if you’re down on your luck – especially if you are young, attractive and female.”)

6)  Ty Warner – Head of Ty, Inc., maker of stuffed toys (“Loves homeless children!  Absolutely hates homeless adults. Bring a street urchin with you for best results.”)

7)  Thomas Pritzker – Chairman of Hyatt Hotels (“Very few people know this, but any homeless person who goes to any Hyatt and can prove they’re homeless – bring a letter from your shelter – gets a free room if they have one available – try it!  Wonderful humanitarian!”)

8)  Neil Bluhm – Casino magnate (“Gives away millions in free food and drinks every year.  Homeless families welcome at all his casinos.”)

9)  Joe Mansueto – Founder and CEO of financial research firm Morningstar (“Working 24/7 on analysis, cure for poverty, very nice guy, soft touch”)

10)  Jean (Gigi) Pritzker – Movie producer & film company owner (“Working on developing film about history of poverty in America, will be hiring 30,000,000 extras for slavery, tenement scenes in next film in naked bid for ‘Best Picture’ Oscar [tm]” )

11) Penny Pritzker – Businesswoman, philanthropist (“One of the geniuses behind scheme to shut down ‘underperforming’ Chicago Public Schools and de-unionize, privatize education in America – Chicago City Council, at Penny’s urging, passed law making it illegal for union members to come within 10,000 feet of her mansions. New law includes controversial proviso that Chicago Teachers Union members caught breaking it can be shot on sight by the Pritzkers’ private security guards”).

12)  James Pritzker – CEO of private wealth firm Tawani Enterprises (“Don’t you wish by now that YOUR last name was Pritzker?”)

13)  Patrick Ryan – Chairman, CEO of Ryan Specialty Group (“The closest this list comes to having an African-American on it now that Oprah Winfrey is a Californian”).

14)  Michael Krasny – Founder, Computer Discount Warehouse (“Gives away free computers to poor if you beg convincingly enough. Bring a starving child with and there’s a very good chance you’ll walk away with a used Alienware laptop”).

15)  Eric Lefkofsky – Groupon co-founder and executive chairman (“Move fast if you plan to ask him for money; may be in the next bed over from yours at Pacific Garden Mission by this time next year”)

16)  Nicholas Pritzker II – Former head of Hyatt’s new hotel development efforts (“Fired for proposing Hyatt-brand chain of budget SROs for poor; very nice, tips very well, especially if you have large breasts”)

17)  David Grainger – Former CEO of W.W. Grainger (“Alleged to have been implicated in scandal in which blood bank blood was used as magenta printer ink in fake HP printer cartridges sold at Grainger.  My sources say he reached an out-of-court settlement in which he agreed to perform 10 hours of community service bussing tables at United Fund executive dining room”).



78 responses to “List of Chicago’s Billionaires Eager to Help the Poor, Homeless

  1. Am pastor Kabali Baker from Uganda east Africa, am looking for some one to sponsor the needy and the orphans in my school i have over 150 of them, please you can help.


    • sharoom pastor. l greeting everning. l hope your fine too. Thanks for response me email. my name is Andrea shebila.Am living in Tanzania, Am secretary church of petecost church.promblem is orphanege and pootest children needs assitance school fees now now now. our school open date 4 jully 2016 morning. But up to now no join any one. Another petitipn from us church members is fund to building church and pastor house. Sorry, Are you support orphanege fees and church building now . If yes God bless you . yours fathfully. Mr Andrea shebila. Tanzania.


  2. Petition from me secretary church of petecost. Am Andrea shebila. Promblem fancing us members of church is sponsor needy to support us fund for building church, pastor house And Big cetre of orphanege in Tanzania. This time we needs assitance of school fees for orphanege and poorest children needs now now now now school fees and Accomodation. Our school open date 4 jully 2016 morning but up to now no any one join. Thanks for donate us . yours. mr Andrea


  3. Greetings to you all and thanks for the help that you people are giving the poor,am a cameroonian my life has been miserable cus I was paying my fees since form one and now am a teacher and I have started an organisation to help the poor children in my village and I don’t have enough money, pleading for your assistance to help these poor children


  4. I need help


  5. Okeowo Ifeoluwa Ololade

    I’m ifeoluwa from Nigeria. I really need your help, I want to study nursing abroad and I have nobody to sponsor me, my parents are financially not OK and I really need to study nursing because it’s my dream… I really need help. Thank you very much… 09034866462


  6. I’m Manuel Diaz and look for a millionaire that can barrow $125,000.00 dlls. to save my home because is going to foreclosure , my wife is dissabled, she has diabetes complicated, urgently, need help to save my hhome, bank didn’t want make arrangements to pay mmy morgage, if you want to help me call me at 5756394245, God will bless you to help each other..


  7. I lost my mom last year left a very abusive relationship a friend try to help me then he wanted sexual favors for a place to stay now I am homeless and I having issues with my eyes got to have surgery and four kids 26 boy22 daughter16 son 9 daughter that lives with family I am homeless know where to live by the grace of God help me


    • Thank you for contacting us. What city do you live in? Even here in the USA, where we have no national health care services you should qualify for medical care to get the surgery for your eyes as well as housing for you and your kids. If you are a member of a religious organization we suggest that first of all you ask the leaders of your house of worship to help you find the help you need. If you live in Chicago we can send you information about places to go to get immediate and long-term help. Please contact us here or at We will not publish your address or anything. — IWPCHI


  8. pls i need ur help, dis is my contact.08105644790 thanks


  9. Hello my name is Grace Wahu ,am from kenya am a poor girl who has no parents.I can not afford to pay my secondary school fees am here looing for a good summaritan who can pay for me my school fees.this is my email address


  10. Abraham T. Mathai

    Dear Sir,
    I am from India. My ministry is among the poor and hungry people in streets in India. There are millions of hungry people in streets of India. They are so poor without food. I am distributing food packets to the poor in streets of India. I can give 5 packets of foods to the poor for US $1.00 and it means that I can distribute 100,000 packets of food for US $ 20,000 per month in India. Dear Sir, will you help me to feed crying children for food and other poor people those who are so hungry? Please send me a check each month to distribute food packets at least 100,000 hungry and poorest people in India. Please send checks by REGISTERED POST AIR MAIL in the following Name and Address:- Abraham T. Mathai, Thannikkal, Mallappally East P.O. – 689584, Thiruvalla, KERALA, INDIA.
    I will give you photos and reports of food packets distribution to the poor in India.
    I look forward to hear from you.
    With best wishes and prayers……Abraham T. Mathai / India.
    My Email:
    Phone Mobile: 0091-9744139996


  11. Hi dear sponsor, I myself 26years old I m middle of my family I have six family n one mother my dad late when I m 6years old, we r poor family in our colony n also we Tibetan r refugee too, we have house but it still old n damage n no water no light but we staying in aunt house they also poor but they working out of town thsy we use to lived there but one day we have move on our house but if we moved there than we need good food n good house but we don’t have that, n I leave school when n 10th standard I did course of hairstylist but I didn’t work yet probably n getting very nervous n soo uncomfortable working under pressure,I really wish someone who help us about house n food n everything, I really wish god sent us a rich caring loving man or woman who help us, I hav two younger n three elder, but all r settling difficult situation only my elder sis trying her best to help all but still we can’t manage to our family, sumtym I feeling like I wish I die bcs of feeling soo hopeless, I really wish to someone who help us like father doing to our family,…


  12. Pastor John Kinuthia Muregi

    Pastor John Kinuthia Muregi
    love orphans Children Home
    P o Box 9440-20112 Lanet Nakuru
    Kenya East Africa
    Mobile Phone:+254721683542 or +254733830599

    Dear Friends,
    Ref: Social Media Help Us To Raise The Donation For Christmas For Our Orphanage Home.
    Greetings in the Name of our beloved Jesus Christ in this Preparation of Christmas and a happy New Name is Pastor John Kinuthia Muregi born again christian married and blessed with Two daughter.

    l’am running an Orgainzation of Children Home at Nakuru Town Free Area join us.l’am father of 77 Orphans children help us stand with us daring christmas oeriod please make this Orphans children smile.i cry to you Help us,stand with as daring christmas period this orphans children can get christmas.

    A gift of just 40:00 dollars will bless child us 200:00 dollars for 5 children 400:00 dollars for 10 children and so on…..
    i begging to any friends,well wishers help to Raise the Amount for only the christmas 3080:00 dollars They will eat like other children with your gift of any Size.

    Social Media you can make This Orphans Children Smils This Year christmas, can give your Donation Thought westren Money union Transfer Or Cheque Or Money Order.

    this Orphans when they get something,Excitement tears and joyful expression all at once,the truth is that they are in such need but even more than that it is the expression of Love they feel toward them in the fact that you friends imagine its your children who do not have parents daring christmas period imagine that please.we are wanting to do something special for them at christmas.

    during christmas time,you can donating what you want,with your gift of any can make this Orphans Children Smile during christmas my phone email me please its a big blessing to have a friend like you l valua your friendly so much.this is the right time God has bring you.
    read James 1:27
    kindly looking forward to reading from you at your earliest convenience.
    Thank You,may the Good Lord Bless You
    Pastor John Kinuthia Muregi

    please you can send your Donation to:
    Pastor John Kinuthia Muregi
    Love Orphans Children Home
    P o Box 9440-20112 Lanet Nakuru
    Kenya East Africa


  13. my name is mr.chima nwosu,from lagos-state,nigeria.i was born and brought up from a very poor family.i dont have any body to help me.i need your financial help.i am homeless.i am sleeping under-brigbe,sometimes at motor-park.i dont have house to stay.sometimes cold will enter my body and cause me catarch and malaria.i need money to rent house.please kindly help me with some money,so that,i can be able to rent a room apartment in lagos-state, email address is,my mobile phone number is +2348034461831


  14. Sir I’m going to be honest with you I just stumbled across your site and felt blessed, Mine and my familys life have been really hard all my life I am 25 years old with a big heart always trying to help others with no intention on being re payied no do I ever ask for help less I have came to a complete stop in life. Just recently my mother’s car was impounded and that was the only transportation we currently have. She is a couple months behind on rent as well right now and struggling to get a job with just a new born now, And all my life I’ve been able to help in some way but just 2 years ago I was in a accident on the highway a drunk driver hit me and my friends and we flipped 10/times or so and I lost one of my best friend’s in this life not along almost loosing mine and bring impaired for the rest of mine so these past few years I have been not much help and it kills me inside to see us all struggle like this. I guess what I’m trying to ask of you sir is if you would respectively hear my request out and please help me help my family I would honestly be happy for a 1$ I’m not in it for the money because in the end it don’t always buy you happiness but unfortunately life resolves around it and we are in desperate need of help, sorry for the long story just wanted to reach out to you being your doing such a wonderful foundation for the unfortunate your a great person and if you are to ever read this e mail may God bless you and your family I wish all is best for you for now and forever. Anyways thanks agian,
    Justin Walker


  15. hello everybody .am Musasizi fatty coming from Uganda(east Africa),am aged 18yrs the first born in our family with two little mummy have evening paying school fees for since primary one as daddy didn’t mind about my studies .I thank God that am done with senior four 2016.I would like to continue with my studies and at least try to improve on our family mummy is having am an heart attack,pressure diseases and no money can help me join high school.kindly I would request ur help .really in need of it.thank you. 256759324702,


  16. How can i find help, i am a graduate and i have no job, i need to start my own busines, who can i ask for help? i promise to pay back with time. thanks, here is my contact, +2349090062686. my name is kelvin kel.


  17. Thank you for posting the information on the internet about Billionaires who helps people in need. I’ve been searching for someone for help for over two decades. Thank you so much for all you’ve done.


    • I don’t think anyone realizes that this was very much a satirical article making fun of the fact that these fake-“philanthropists” among the billionaire class wouldn’t give a beggar a nickel if their lives depended on it. All of their charity is a front designed to paste a human face over a capitalist system that forces about half of the world’s population – and about 1/4 to 1/3 of the people in the USA – to live in abject poverty.
      Here in the United States, the twin parties owned and operated by the US capitalist class – the Republicans and Democrats – actually have criminalized begging for money on the streets of the US. In Chicago, the “lesser evil” mayoral administration of former Obama Administration Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel sends out anuual appeals to the public around the holiday season urging the citizenry to NOT GIVE MONEY TO THE HOMELESS! The US capitalist class rountinely denies citizens the right to basic human needs like housing, health care, food, clothing and education. The point of this article is not to show how generous the top 10% of American bourgeois are but to show how cheap and rotten they are as a class.
      We have yet to hear of a single person who successfully used the contact information on this page to obtain funding of any kind for anything. If anyone has been successful obtaining help from one of the wealthy people listed in this article, please let us know all about it so we can update the article.



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