Category Archives: Humor

“To A Certain Class of Citizens” (with apologies to Walt Whitman)

[This is a slightly edited version of Walt Whitman’s poem “To a Certain Civilian”, which we would address to all those who denigrate the idea of workers socialist revolution and our project, however modest, to create revolutionary socialist Marxist/Leninist/Trotskyist vanguard parties of the working class from Chicago to Kolkata.  We read this today and thought it perfectly captured our attitude to those who sneer at the efforts of those who seek to emancipate the working class from capitalist wage- and debt-slavery worldwide, and also our attitude towards those who attempt to trick the workers into adopting every half-assed form of struggle they can imagine, all the while denigrating and slandering the only method that has ever led to a successful seizure of power and lasting victory by the working class: the Leninist vanguard party.  –  IWPCHI]

“To a Certain Class of Citizens”

Did you ask dulcet rhymes from us?

Did you seek the citizen’s peaceful and languishing rhymes?

Did you find what we sang erewhile so hard to follow?

We were not singing erewhile for you to follow, to

understand – nor are we now;

What to such as you anyhow, such poets as us?  therefore leave

our works,

And go lull yourself with what you can understand, and with

pop-tunes,

For we lull nobody, and you will never understand us.

— (With apologies to and deep respect for Walt Whitman),

IWPCHI

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Comrades! We Must Redouble Our Efforts to Raise Money to Fight for the Emancipation of the Working Class!

[The following is a verbatim transcript of the Dear Leader’s most recent speech, graciously given last evening to the assembled comrades of Party Local 1 in Chicago.  All Hail the Dear Leader!]

[Recording begins: “… hey – that guy didn’t ‘Hail the Dear Leader’ loudly enough!  Get him out of here!” [scuffling, doors slamming, muffled cries for help, etc.]

DL: “Good Evenin…” [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

DL: “I said, ‘good…” [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

DL: “I… [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE, CHEERING, CRIES OF JOY, SEVERAL COMRADES FAINT AND HAVE TO BE CARRIED OUT OF THE ROOM]

DL: “Jeezus fucking chr…” [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

DL: “ALL RIGHT!  STOP IT ALREADY!  I’VE GOT JUST A COUPLE OF THINGS I’D LIKE TO SAY!  ENOUGH WITH THE BROWN-NOSING!  I HAVEN’T EVEN SAID ANYTHING YET!  JEEZUS!”  [silence] “That’s better.  Damn!” [scattered applause followed by harsh “shushing”]

DL:  “Comrades!  I’m here to spewak with you about our current fundraising campaign for the Independent Workers Party… [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]”… ah, shit… there they go again… what the fu… KNOCK IT OFF!” [SILENCE]

DL: ” Our party has for the past several months created several campaigns in order to raise much-needed funds for our party activities – money that we need in order to even begin to counter the well-funded round-the-clock propaganda operations of the class enemy. We have created a Cafe Press storefront selling IWPCHI merchandise [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE] – items useful to the proletariat, and at the same time amusing and enlightening the workers and relieving in a small way the daily drudgery of the masses…   [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE] “…at reasonable prices.    We have also created our magnificent WordPress blog [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE, JOYOUS PROLETARIAN SHOUTING]”…  Our blog has been a modest success: in every month since we started it, the number of hits has been steadily increasing…  [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE] “… ahhh shit. [whistles “The Internationale” while the applause continues, then subsides]

DL: “Are you gonna keep doing that or will you let me speak? [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE, Shouts of “YES!”]  “oh, man…”

DL: ” Comrades, our party has been, for the past several months, trying to utilize a mechanism of funding originally designed by a cabal of capitalist running dogs  to raise money for such things as cute-puppy surgerythe production of ecologically-friendly drinking straws,  and the production and distribution of miniature Dungeons and Dragons figurinesand even the production and distribution of miniature Dungeons and Dragons figurines…   [UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]” …in order to raise money for our party’s vitally important work.   Don’t laugh, Comrades!  [SILENCE]  These running dogs of US imperialism have raised millions of dollars for these projects and thousands of other frivolous projects just like them.  American workers and workers all over the world have responded to appeals for funding such things as   ‘Orapup’ – a tongue brush for dogs that claims to eliminate canine halitosis…”  [HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER, CHAIRS BEING KNOCKED OVER, COMRADES ROLLING ON THE FLOOR IN UNBRIDLED PROLETARIAN MIRTH] “COMRADES!  The ‘Orapup’ campaign has raised, in just a month, over $41,000 dollars in contributions! [GASPS OF DISBELIEF]
“Yes, comrades, it is true.  And that is not the worst of it.  Our campaigns – we are now in the second fundraising campaign on the “Indiegogo” website – have, in almost 60 days of non-stop campaigning RAISED NOT A SINGLE DOLLAR!” [SHOUTS: ‘NO!’  ‘INCREDIBLE!’  HYSTERICAL SOBBING]  “Yes, it’s true, comrades!  While the running dogs promoting  ‘Hot Guys With Guns’ – Hollywood’s first gay action comedy  have succeeded  in raising over $21,000 for their ridiculous project, which will do nothing for the workers except to distract them from the struggle to overthrow the capitalist system, our campaign – a campaign to start building a working-class political party here in the United States – the belly of the capitalist beast – has not succeeded in raising a single penny! [SHOUTS: NO! IT IS NOT POSSIBLE! GUNSHOTS AS MEMBERS BEGIN TO COMMIT MASS SUICIDE]

DL [ducking behind podium]:”JEEZUS CHRIST!  WHERE DID THOSE GUNS COME FROM!  STOP THEM!  ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?  OH MY GOD!  YOU CRAZY BASTARDS!” [Order is slowly restored.   Dear Leader goes around disarming those comrades who stand holding guns to their temples.  The wounded are cared for; the self-martyred dead are carried to the outside of the conference hall, etc.]

DL: “You crazy bastards!  Jeezus!  Jeezus!  Now, where the hell was I…?” [Comrade in the audience: ‘You were saying that our Indiegogo campaign has been a failure…’]  “Right, right.  Thanks, comrade.  Jeezus!  Fucking crazy bastards!  [Voice: ‘We’re sorry Dear Leader – it won’t happen again!’  Other voices make affirming comments to the first comrade’s statement]  “Good, it better not happen again.  Damn!  You guys are goddamned crazy!”

DL [continuing]: ” It is sadly true, comrades.  Our fundraising campaign has been an abject failure.  How can we hold our heads up and present ourselves as worker-leaders when we can’t even out-compete those who, as I speak to you now,  are raising tens of thousands of dollars  to produce a pair of electric-powered sunglasses that create YouTube videos at the touch of a button!.   [POWERFUL GASPS OF PURE PROLETARIAN DISBELIEF]  “I shit you not, comrades!”  [VOICES: ‘It cannot be!  It is a bourgeois trick!  It is another lie of the capitalist press!’, etc.]

DL: “I am afraid it is all too true, comrades.  All our efforts – nearly 90 vitally important articles infused with fighting proletarian spirit – have not yet encouraged a single donation out of the thousands of website hits our blog has received from oppressed workers all over the globe!”  [VOICES:  NO!]

DL:  “Comrades, we must redouble our efforts to reach the masses.  Of course, our glorious Party will not die if we cannot obtain funding from the workers directly.  We ourselves will contribute the money we earn as workers to keep our party strong… [THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE] “…our party leaders have considered this question with all the seriousness they can bring to bear on even the tiniest issue – like whether it is more revolutionary to go to Caribou Coffee instead of Starbucks –  and they have come to the conclusion that our inability to raise the kind of money that a campaign that built a look-alike iPhone case that in fact conceals a powerful stun gun was able to raise may indicate that the workers in the United States simply do not give a shit about the future of their own country enough to support a political party of the working class…” [VOICES: ‘NO!  IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!]  “Yes, it may be the case, comrades.  They are so entranced by their iPhone 5s that were built by virtual slave labor in Maoist China that they can’t be bothered to fight for their own rights…” [VOICES: ‘A LIE!’ ‘You do not mean what you say, Dear Leader!’]  “No, my comrades, it may be true.  Years of playing Nintendo and Wii for hours has turned their will to struggle into a facile yearning for the comforts of a soft couch in front of a large television screen…” [VOICES: ‘NO!  NO!’]

DL:  “I know, it is hard to take, this indifference of the proletarians of the US, who, once organized into fighting battalions could rid the world of the most vicious, bloodthirsty ruling class in world history – has instead settled for fighting computer-generated villains in the latest video games…” [VOICES: ‘They will fight, Dear Leader!  We will organize the working class to break out of their infotainment-induced stupor!’]  “Yes, I know you will try your best, comrades.  But we must stop here and re-analyze our methods.  What can we do to make our campaign more interesting and compelling  for the workers of the world?  What is it that draws their attention to projects like the one that seeks to produce a combination solar lamp and phone charger  that its inventor claims will somehow “improve the lives of millions” while our project, which aims to end the exploitation of man by man all over the world and which seeks to stop the US capitalist class’ insane drive towards World War Three goes completely unfunded?  This utter, abject failure of our fundraising campaigns may in fact prove conclusively that the working class of the US is so completely fucked up that they can’t even mount the most elementary self-defense against their continual degradation under capitalism and the steady decline of their incomes since 1968.   It may take the same kind of intervention by the rest of the world’s workers to overthrow the US Government that it took in the 1940s to crush the repulsive Hitler regime.”
[VOICES: No!  No!]  “Time will tell, comrades.  Time will tell…” [VOICES: ‘They will fight!, etc.]

DL:  “I know they will, comrades, I know they will.  Your confidence in the American working class is an amazing thing to behold in these dark days…

“That is all I have to say today.  Look again at our blog.   Look again at our Indiegogo campaign.   Check out, once again, our party’s online store.  See if you can come up with any way to make these things more interesting to the working class than a campaign to help a Las Vegas hypnotist open a show across the street from the MGM Grand!”  [VOICES: ‘We’ll do it, Dear Leader!  The workers will stand rise up and fight their US imperialist oppressors!’]  “I know you’ll try, comrades.  But Kevin the Hypnotist has raised over $20,000 already…” [The Dear Leader breaks down sobbing and rushes out of the room, followed by the members of the Central Committee. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE, SINGING OF ‘THE INTERNATIONALE’]

IWPCHI

Defend “Charlie Hebdo”! For the Complete Separation of Church/Temple/Mosque and State!

The world was treated to a wave of religious fanaticism this week as right-wing fundamentalist Islamic preachers ordered their slavish followers to take to the streets in an orgy of anger over – some right-wing Jewish guy’s stupid anti-Islam movie!  From Indonesia to France Islamic extremists surged into the streets to express their outrage over an incident that, in fact, will do absolutely no harm at all to any believer in their religion.  The mullahs, the woman-hating, money-grubbing preachers of Islam, who spread their creed as if it was the answer to all the world’s needs – which it is decidedly not – and who demand that their followers follow them so blindly as to be willing to do anything to anyone who opposes these clerical misfits – including murder – must be opposed by all class conscious workers everywhere – including in majority-Muslim countries.  The power of these reactionary scum over the minds of the working class must be shattered.

Islam is a hugely popular religion, with hundreds of millions of followers worldwide.  Any Islamic preacher who tells his followers that the existence of a lousy movie is a threat to the existence of their religion is nothing but a liar and a charlatan.  These Islamic “leaders” must have very little faith in the power of their ideas if they think for a minute that someone could destroy Islam simply by making a video that insults it.  These cretinous Islamic fundamentalists obviously have ulterior motives: to force their followers to commit outrages against anyone who dares to oppose these mullahs.  These protests aren’t about religion per se: they are about the mullahs’ ability to control the minds of human beings and to get them to commit any criminal act – including murder – on demand of the religious leaders.  This is a mind-control experiment that seeks to turn decent human beings into killers for Islam.  These criminals who call themselves “religious leaders” and who then demand that those who they deem to be a threat to Islam be murdered should be thrown in jail like the dangerous criminal they are.  A movie is not – and cannot be – a threat to Islam any more than a cartoon can make devout Muslims turn into apostates.  Anyone who believes the opposite is a fool who shows how little they really believe in their own religion.

As if getting your turban in a twist every time some asshole makes a movie insulting your religion isn’t enough, these same ignorant religious bigots are going crazy because the French satirical magazine  “Charlie Hebdo” is this week publishing some cartoons that allegedly make fun of Mohammad.  Big deal!  Let them make fun – it is their right to do so.  A cartoon – no matter how funny or insulting, or even racist it is – does not possess some magical power to bring the Islamic world to its doom.  However, this ignorant bigoted attack on the freedom of speech and freedom of the press does.

The European nations went through a long period of religious bigotry and ignorance just like this one back when the Catholic Church ruled over Europe with an iron fist, ordering “heretics” to be burnt at the stake for such hideous “crimes” as denying the existence of the Trinity.  Millions of peasants and workers who were deemed to be too irreligious or not sufficiently intellectually subjugated to the whims and crazy imaginings of the Pope in Rome were summarily arrested, subjected to hideous tortures and murdered for their “impiety”.  It took a struggle of hundreds of years against the all-powerful hierarchy of the Catholic Church to bring the priesthood to heel.  Revolutionary struggles to topple monarchies allied with the Pope took place throughout Europe which finally brought the Church down to Earth.  The Enlightenment philosophers, often using barely-hidden satires of leading Catholic Popes and Bishops and their followers, exposed the Church to intense criticism and led the advanced, enlightened workers and intellectuals to organize political movements dedicated to the creation of more liberal governments that broke the stranglehold of the Catholic Church over the people and forced a strict separation of church and state to be put into place.  This finally put an end to the hideous excesses of the Catholic Church and its most fanatical advocates, who had gone so far as to create the monstrosity known as the “Holy Inquisition”, whose pious, criminal leaders tortured and executed millions of unfortunates who refused to kiss the Pope’s ass.

This hard-won victory of reason over religious superstition and intolerance – which we call the “Separation of Church and State” – which came at the cost of the lives of so many human beings must never be surrendered by the working class!  Never again will we suffer at the hands of an ignorant priesthood that seeks to amass hundreds of millions of dollars of wealth through the indoctrination of workers into the belief that human beings here on Earth are having daily conversations with some sky god, who is telling these idiot priests that if the working people don’t get together and mass-murder unbelievers, then this sky-god will come down and kill us all.  That trick will never again work against us!  The mullahs who think that they can force those of us who live in countries where the power of the priesthood has been irreversibly shattered by revolutions in the 17th and 18th centuries will allow them to reverse that verdict of history against their once unlimited power are sadly mistaken!  The defense of the right of freedom of speech and freedom to criticize and satirize religions of all kinds is something that must be taken up by all bona fide working-class organizations.  Never again will an ignorant priesthood run roughshod over the minds and bodies of our working class brothers and sisters on this planet!

Islam has made tremendous contributions to human society and has given the world such wonderful gifts as: algebra; tremendous discoveries and observations in astronomy; the very Arabic numerals we use every day!; beautiful poetry; marvelous literature and historical writings; magnificent architectural achievements, to name a few.  If it wasn’t for Islam, whose scholars hundreds of years ago carefully collected and preserved many ancient manuscripts that were at the time being collected – and burnt! – by the Roman Catholic Church – much of what little we know of the literature of the ancient, pre-Christian world.  The debt the workers of the world owe to the Islamic world for all these marvelous contributions to world civilization is incalculable.

The Independent Workers Party welcomes immigrant workers from all nations and from all religions into our organization, on one condition – that they fully accept the principle that there must be a complete separation of Church/Mosque/Temple and State!  This is not negotiable.  We will not stand for religious bigots going around demanding that if artists and comedians -and even disgusting bigots like the guy who made this movie – don’t obey the commands of the mullahs, they will be attacked, beaten up and/or killed.  Never again will we allow a gang of religious freaks to rampage through our cities threatening “unbelievers” with summary execution.  The days of the Inquisition, the Witch Trials and religious persecution must end.  We welcome those followers of the Prophet Muhammad to our shores who understand these concepts, and we will defend even to the death your right to worship in any way you choose.  But do not imagine for a moment that the working class of the United States will ever allow Islamic fundamentalists to cause us to sit down and shut up and refuse to use our hard-earned freedoms to ridicule any and all religions in any way we choose.

There is much that is ridiculous in ALL religions.  In the United States, parodies of Catholicism have long existed and are enormously popular – the great movie “Life of Brian” by Monty Python comes to mind, as well as Mel Brooks’ wonderful “History of the World” films.  Islam is way overdue for such a treatment; and if these right-wing Muslim zealots continue to rampage across the face of the planet physically assaulting everyone who thinks that, say, the fact that Muhammad had sex with a 9-year old girl he had taken as a wife, for example, is absurd and monstrous – then we in the IWP have a major problem with that.

When the movie “Life of Brian” came out, it was immediately subjected to verbal attack and its creators were even subjected to death threats by Christian bigots who tried mightily to censor the film and keep it from being seen – all to no avail!  Because their power to rule over the minds of the citizens of our nations was irreversibly shattered back in the 1700s!  They marched, they wrote sermons attacking the movie and they went on TV to denounce it and all they got for their efforts was a massive outpouring of support for the film.

We remember with great fondness going to see “Life of Brian” back when it came out in Boston, Massachusetts in the 1980s.  The lines waiting to see the film were going all the way down the street, while would-be Christian censors stood impotently outside the theatre, vainly imploring us not to go see the film. We gleefully made fun of them!  We laughed at them, pathetic as they were! Probably at least half the people there might never have bothered to go and see the movie if it were not for the ridiculous hue-and-cry raised by the religious bigots of the Christian right wing who absurdly attempted to impose their religious beliefs on the citizens of the United States 300 years after their power to do so had been irretrievably shattered!  This is exactly what should happen all over the world if ever some intelligent satirists finally get around to making a parody of the Koran that isn’t racist.  We would quite happily attend such a movie, and should anyone try to stop us, they would face the wrath of the working class, who would treat them in precisely the same way that we treat Nazis when they try to march in our working-class cities and towns!

The analogy between the right-wing religious bigots of the Islamic world and Nazis is quite apt.  Though there are major differences between the two, their methods are very similar: “what we say goes, and if you don’t get down on your knees and obey us, we will kill you!”  This isn’t Iran or Saudi Arabia.  What Islamic bigots say; or Christian or Jewish or any other religious zealot says DOES NOT “GO” here today; and we will do everything in our power to make certain that it never does in the future!

The capitalist governments of Europe and the US are all falling over themselves to placate these hideous woman-hating, ignorant fundamentalist Mullahs and their insolent demands that we workers in the West should obey them and their religion.  These scum – who were only a marginal force in the Middle East, even in Iran, until the United States armed and trained them to attack the USSR during the Cold War – are now powerful forces in many countries, able to force whole nations to get on their knees at their command.  The capitalists’ hypocritical mewlings in fake “defense” of the supposed “right” of Islamic bigots to “not be offended” is really only an expression of the capitalists’ fear that all the anti-Western protests will interfere with their ability to continue to rob the workers of the Islamic world blind.  We do not support the disgusting attacks on Muslims and the right of women to wear the veil that have been promulgated by the political servants of the French capitalist class.  Women have the right to wear whatever they want in public – including the chador – so long as they choose to do so of their own free will.  We do not support the racist anti-immigrant policies of the French government that seeks to drive Muslim workers into ghettos and out of France.  These workers are our sisters and brothers and they should be welcome in France as we welcome them here in the United States.  We stand for full citizenship rights for all immigrants, of all nationalities and religions – even Islamic fundamentalists.  But the working class will not stand for religious bigots of any religion going around physically attacking people who they disagree with.

We salute “Charlie Hebdo” and their courageous defense of the right to free speech and the separation of church and state in France – where the Great French Revolution destroyed the stranglehold of religious bigotry and superstition once and for all. We call on the revolutionary French working class to rise to the defense of freedom of speech, freedom of worship and freedom of the press by defending the offices and workers at “Charlie Hebdo” against any and all attacks by Islamic fundamentalist bigots the same as we would here in the US if the “National Lampoon” grew some balls and decided to take on such a worthy target of ridicule as the Islamic fundamentalist Mullahs and was then attacked for it – or if either was being attacked by a gang of Nazis.  When these Islamic bigots attempt to silence those who merely criticize or hold them to ridicule, we say: “Acquaint these Islamic fundamentalist lunatics’ heads with the pavement!”  We will do the same here.

IWPCHI

Whenever all men are really hastening to be slaves or tyrants the ruling class makes Liberalism the prime bogey

We have been reading C.S. Lewis’ “The Screwtape Letters” recently, and though we have found the book to be an excruciatingly dull and tedious defense of Christianity, we have found one – just one – memorable quote which may inadvertently give some insight into the current abysmal political situation in the US, where two phony “opponents” in our phony “democracy” are pretending to be presenting the US electorate with some kind of choice between two evils.  In “The Screwtape Letters” something similar is going on.

The book is composed of a series of letters from a senior demon in the pay of “the Devil”.  This upper-level fiend is tutoring a junior devil on the finer points of how to lure men and women to their doom by causing them to commit sin, thereby allowing their souls to be harvested by “the Devil”.  All very silly stuff, to be sure.  But we have this neat little bit of advice being given by the arch demon Screwtape to his pupil Wormwood which seems to have been plagiarized by Karl Rove and kept close to his heart (if he indeed has one) all these many years.  The Democrats, in a desperate effort to keep up with the latest methods of squeezing profits out of the working class on behalf of their capitalist masters have long been working from this same playbook as well:

“”The use of Fashions in thought is to distract the attention of men from their real dangers.  We direct the fashionable outcry of each generation against those vices of which it is least in danger and fix its approval on the virtue nearest to that vice which we are trying to make endemic.  The game is to have them all running about with fire extinguishers whenever there is a flood, and all crowding to that side of the boat which is already nearly gunwale under.  Thus we make it fashionable to expose the dangers of enthusiasm at the very moment when they are all really becoming worldly and lukewarm;  a century later, when we are really making them all Byronic and drunk with emotion, the fashionable outcry is directed against the dangers of the mere ‘understanding’.  Cruel ages are put on their guard against Sentimentality, feckless and idle ones against Respectability, lecherous ones against Puritanism; and whenever all men are really hastening to be slaves or tyrants we make Liberalism the prime bogey.”

— C.S. Lewis, “The Screwtape Letters”, HarperSanFrancisco, 2001

IWPCHI

IWP Chicago Demands – Sex Police in LA: Hands Off Fred Willard! (Everyone else – ask permission first!)

The Independent Workers Party is shocked – SHOCKED! to hear that one of our favorite comedians has been arrested by anti-sex cops in the moral utopia of Los Angeles!  For something called “public indecency”!

What did he do?  Abscond with millions of dollars of retirement funds?  Launder billions of dollars for the murderous US-trained Mexican drug cartels?

Nah! If he did anything like that a simple apology would be all that was needed and he could walk the streets of our fair cities without taint or hindrance.  (And who needs taint anyway when you’ve got… oh never mind!)

Nope, Fred Willard – one of the great American comedy writers and actors of the last – oh what is it up to now, three? three and a half? – generations was arrested on July 18th after an unscheduled – ahem – solo performance in an adult movie theater/strip club in LA!

Mr. Willard – who has brought joy to millions all over the world with his performances in shows ranging from “Fernwood 2 Night” (where he played the hilariously slow-witted talkshow sidekick Jerry Hubbard opposite Martin Mull’s low-budget version of Johnny Carson) to his more recent hits like “Anchorman” – has, in our opinion, the inalienable right to bring joy to himself once in a while, even in the quasi-public setting of a seedy adult movie theater described on “Yelp” L.A. as “little more than a shed with a cheap screen and a HD tv next to it”.

Mr. Willard has stated that he is innocent of the charges – and we’ll take his word for it and look forward to him having his day in court.  Let the Sodom and Gomorrah Police Department… uh we mean the “City of Angels” Police Department! Ha! – bring their slimy “evidence” into the light of day where we can all see and smell and laugh at it and the asshole cops who collected it.  Our tax dollars at work!  What a joke.  But let’s get back to our story.

A “reviewer” on “Yelp” LA describes the “scene of the crime”, Tiki Theatre, thusly:

“For a $10 admission, an elderly Korean man pushes a paper raffle ticket under a bulletproof glass screen that looks like it’s been slathered in Vaseline. A sign next to it reads NO WEAPONS, NO DRUGS, NO SEX OF ANY KIND (that means you too, dog fuckers). You click through a well worn turnstile and try hard not to touch any surface as you make your way through heavy, black velvet curtains into 900 square ft room with 30 theater style folding chairs. A quarter of the audience is wearing hooded sweaters and smoking crack, another quarter is jerking off, the rest are jerking each other off, cruising for a jerk off or doing something so vile you probably wouldn’t want to see it.” [Source: Yelp, “Tiki Theatre”]

O….K…..

Well perhaps our man F.W. was there looking for inspiration for his next movie; or doing advanced research on the absorbency of those new paper towels we saw on TV… oh never mind.  Fred, what the …?

But, no!  To each his own!  This is supposed to be a free country, right?  Don’t we as adults have a right to go to an adult movie house, where no children are supposedly allowed to go, and watch adult movies with other adults and if we want to whack off – or have someone help us to whack off – in the semi-public setting there, why not?  Who on Earth is going to be offended by such behavior, in such a setting?

Oh, that’s right!  We forgot: the goddamned Sodom and Gomorrah Police Department, whose long-armed defenders of apple pie, police brutality and virginity are paid to be offended at everything not pre-approved by  “Focus on the Family”!

And, we ask you, sisters and brothers: If we workers don’t have the freedom to jerk off in an XXX-rated movie house – in Los Angeles of all places – in the Year Of Our Lord 2012, my brothers and sisters DO WE HAVE ANY FREEDOM AT ALL?

Mr. Willard’s friends in the “comedy world” have, as one would expect of such a tribe of stalwart defenders of freedom of expression, rallied to his defense.

“I love Fred Willard. He’s a great guy. For his birthday I’m getting him a den and a computer”  said longtime pal Albert Brooks, probably while working at the fundraising rally to help defray the costs of Mr. Willard’s legal defense and for the even more daunting struggle to redeem Mr. Willard’s self-respect after such an embarrassingly pubic, uh, we mean public (of course)… emission, er, that is – admission – of palpability… we mean, uh, that is, um… culpability.

But what we really find obscene is not Mr. Willard’s brave fight for the right of elderly people to willingly expose themselves to the savage caress of public opinion, but the fact that, in 2012, there still exist units of the police that are paid by the citizens of the United States to worm their way into adult movie theaters and interpose themselves between consenting adults out looking for a bit of harmless sexual fun.  This kind of crap should have gone the way of the dinosaurs long ago; instead these “morals cop” patrols are kept alive by a phony political class that likes to point their fingers at folks they find “morally deficient” while they and their rich patrons rob the nation blind and slash funding to public schools, healthcare and anti-AIDS funding.

And as if they aren’t revolting enough, we even have the knee-jerks at Public Television in the “Athens of America” (that’s Boston, Mass., believe it or not) who summarily fired Fred Willard from his job as host of “Market Warriors” the moment they heard that he’d been arrested – not convicted; arrested – for “public indecency”.   Hooray for Public Broadcasting, Defenders of Youth and the Public Morals!  Perhaps they should demand that Mr. Willard drink a glass of Hemlock as punishment for “corrupting the morals of the youth” as their antecedents did so famously and so nobly in that “other” Athens – the Athens of ancient Greece?

“Jeanne Hopkins, a spokeswoman for WGBH, the Boston public broadcaster that produces the show, said via e-mail, ‘Given the unfortunate news reported today, effective immediately, Fred Willard no longer will be involved with the “Market Warriors” series.’ ” [Source: New York Times “Arts Beat” blog by Elizabeth Jensen: “Fred Willard Loses PBS Job After Arrest”, July 19, 2012]

Another champion of the US Constitution and the supposedly enshrined US principle of “innocent until proven guilty”, PBS President Paula Kerger witlessly chipped in that the network didn’t want Fred Willard’s arrest to become “a distraction”.  A distraction from what?  The endless fundraising appeals constantly run by PBS in order to squeeze cash from the working people in order to pay for such timeless classic programming as that flag-waving whitewashing patriotic paean to American Exceptionalism, “The American Experience”?  Do they not want to upset the delicate moral fiber of such longtime PBS sponsors as Lockheed Martin and Boeing, builders of the nation’s machinery of war?  Or the US Department of Energy, custodians of the US’ stockpile of nuclear weapons, capable of turning the entire planet into a smoking cinder in less than 15 minutes?  PBS, your censorship of Fred Willard is obscene.  Give him his job back, now!  Let ye without cum on your hands cast the first stone!

Anyway, we say to the moralists and their police forces: Hands off Fred Willard! (Everyone else can do whatever they’d like with Fred, so long as they get his permission first!)

And drop all the charges against Fred Willard and all the many, many other citizens accused of – and jailed for – these victimless crimes.  This is 2012 for christ’s sake.  When is this country ever going to grow up?

IWPCHI

PS: For those of you who wish to perform more research on this fascinating subject, and who find yourselves in the Los Angeles area, the address of the Tiki Theatre is 5462 Santa Monica Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90029‎.

You’re welcome!

Life In the Land of the Flag-Worshippers – UPDATED!

These two four images are of a display recently spotted at a public library in the near suburbs of Chicago.

The text reads:

“Have an old and worn flag and don’t know what to do with it?

“My name is [we’re not publishing this poor wretch’s name – IWPCHI] and I am collecting these old flags to be retired respectfully.

“Put any old flag in this box knowing that [Boy Scout] Troop 179 will respectfully retire them all.

“Any comments, questions, or concerns please contact me at [phone number mercifully ‘redacted’] or RetiringFlags@gmail.com”

Isn’t that precious?

And there was already a flag deposited “respectfully” in this trash can waiting to be “respectfully” retired.

UPDATE:  The flags are (gasp!) apparently reproducing in the trashcan!

All this flag-love is so… touching! *Sob!*

You see: they lined this TRASH CAN with a tablecloth with an American Flag motif, so that the flags aren’t really in a “TRASH CAN” – they are “respectfully” nestled in the bosom of another flag!  Oh, it’s so beautiful!

I’m sure that Mr. [mercifully redacted] is sleeping well at night, finally, knowing that all these flags will be “respectfully retired” by Boy Scout Troop [mercifully redacted]!  And so will we!

And so, we’re sure, will you!

IWPCHI

 

 

 

 

UPDATE 2:  Our reporter on the scene says the trash can respectful temporary resting place is getting full… and several of the “worn out” flags being deposited there… don’t seem to be all that worn out at all!  In fact, they’re in pretty good condition!

Could it be that this “noble service” being provided by this Boy Scout troop might give the workers of this town a chance to “get rid” of a flag they’re sick and tired of defending day after day, only to see the US capitalist class, its US Government, military and bought-and-paid-for politicians bringing greater discredit to it with every passing hour?

IWPCHI

Socialism – it’s as American as… Capitalism!

To say that socialism is “un-American” is as asinine and ignorant as to say that capitalism is “American”.  Both socialist and capitalist ideologies were created by “Old-Europeans” long before the concept of the United States was even being contemplated.  Lots of great ideas are “un-American” – like every good idea created by human beings in the last 10,000 years.  Writing: “un-American!”  Books: “un-American!”  Cities: “un-American!”  Mathematics: “un-American!”  Hey, we could go on all day doing this!  Music: ‘un-American!”  Art: “un-American!”  Sex: “un-American!”

If we threw away every idea that was not invented by Americans, we’d be sitting naked in front of no fire in a dark cave somewhere – if we were lucky.  We wouldn’t even know enough to live in caves, because cave-dwelling is – you guessed it! “un-American!”

So, fellow workers: the next time some damn fool is babbling about how “socialism is un-American”, tell that guy to think about how many great ideas were brought into existence before 1776 and ask him or her how she’d like to try to do away with all those “un-American” ideas.

Maybe – just maybe – they will come to understand how dumb it is to make “Made in America” the sole criterion for the value of things.

IWPCHI

Colorado Springs Fire Threatens US Air Force Academy – Proof God Exists?

Google Map of Fire Threatening US Air Force Academy

In a possible confirmation of the existence of a Supreme Being, a wildfire that has gone out of control near Colorado Springs, CO appears to be advancing toward the US Air Force Academy.

Theologians are thrilled at this long-awaited probable scientific proof that God does, in fact, exist.

“What we are witnessing is the Hand of God smiting a military force that has been used over and over to kill tens of millions of civilians all around the world” one minister who wished to remain anonymous exulted.  “The bombing of Dresden; the firebombing of Tokyo; the utterly unjustifiable nuclear bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki; the Korean War, Vietnam War, Balkan war, Libya, Iraq, Libya again, Iraq again, Afghanistan and Pakistan… God has been very very patient all this time while the US Air Force slaughtered millions of defenseless people, but now he’s apparently had enough.  Hallelujah!”  When asked if it was part of  “God’s Great Plan” to also destroy dozens of family homes, the minister replied: “Must be those folks just haven’t got right with their Lord and Savior!”

In another startling confirmation of what many have previously derided as a “wacko conspiracy nutjob theory”, strange white contrails have begun to appear over the skies of Colorado Springs, as the US Air Force, desperate to save its premiere training center, has resorted to “the most massive cloud seeding/chemtrail operation ever attempted in the history of mankind”.   And the US Air Force has finally been forced to admit that the long-controversial “chemtrails” phenomenon has actually, until now, been one of the most highly classified programs ever undertaken by the Pentagon.  Today, in a hastily convened press briefing in Colorado Springs, the Air Force, under siege as thousands of confirmed reports of chemtrails mysteriously appearing over the skies above the Air Force Academy, admitted that “chemtrails” are real.

“Commencing at 06:00 hours this morning, local standard time, the US Air Force began an extensive deployment of chemtrail grids directly over the United States Air Force Academy campus and the immediately surrounding area in order to provoke heavy rains and to reduce winds in the region…  citizens can rest assured that YOUR US Air Force is doing all it can to stop this wildfire before it causes any serious damage to US military equipment, weapons, planes, radar installations and runways.  Oh yeah, and our personnel as well, of course.  Can’t forget them” said the unnamed, hooded 4 star general during the press briefing.

Asked whether the Air Force would be deploying it’s amazing chemtrail technology over civilian areas as well in order to minimized damage to homes and small businesses and to protect civilian lives, the general stated simply: “No comment”.

All our attempts to contact Penn Jillette for his take on this apparently incontrovertible confirmation of the existence of God were met with what can only be described as words not fit to publish on a family-oriented website like ours.

IWPCHI

“Chemtrails” nothing but harmless natural phenomenon – video examples