The Independent Workers Party is shocked – SHOCKED! to hear that one of our favorite comedians has been arrested by anti-sex cops in the moral utopia of Los Angeles! For something called “public indecency”!
What did he do? Abscond with millions of dollars of retirement funds? Launder billions of dollars for the murderous US-trained Mexican drug cartels?
Nah! If he did anything like that a simple apology would be all that was needed and he could walk the streets of our fair cities without taint or hindrance. (And who needs taint anyway when you’ve got… oh never mind!)
Nope, Fred Willard – one of the great American comedy writers and actors of the last – oh what is it up to now, three? three and a half? – generations was arrested on July 18th after an unscheduled – ahem – solo performance in an adult movie theater/strip club in LA!
Mr. Willard – who has brought joy to millions all over the world with his performances in shows ranging from “Fernwood 2 Night” (where he played the hilariously slow-witted talkshow sidekick Jerry Hubbard opposite Martin Mull’s low-budget version of Johnny Carson) to his more recent hits like “Anchorman” – has, in our opinion, the inalienable right to bring joy to himself once in a while, even in the quasi-public setting of a seedy adult movie theater described on “Yelp” L.A. as “little more than a shed with a cheap screen and a HD tv next to it”.
Mr. Willard has stated that he is innocent of the charges – and we’ll take his word for it and look forward to him having his day in court. Let the Sodom and Gomorrah Police Department… uh we mean the “City of Angels” Police Department! Ha! – bring their slimy “evidence” into the light of day where we can all see and smell and laugh at it and the asshole cops who collected it. Our tax dollars at work! What a joke. But let’s get back to our story.
A “reviewer” on “Yelp” LA describes the “scene of the crime”, Tiki Theatre, thusly:
“For a $10 admission, an elderly Korean man pushes a paper raffle ticket under a bulletproof glass screen that looks like it’s been slathered in Vaseline. A sign next to it reads NO WEAPONS, NO DRUGS, NO SEX OF ANY KIND (that means you too, dog fuckers). You click through a well worn turnstile and try hard not to touch any surface as you make your way through heavy, black velvet curtains into 900 square ft room with 30 theater style folding chairs. A quarter of the audience is wearing hooded sweaters and smoking crack, another quarter is jerking off, the rest are jerking each other off, cruising for a jerk off or doing something so vile you probably wouldn’t want to see it.” [Source: Yelp, “Tiki Theatre”]
Well perhaps our man F.W. was there looking for inspiration for his next movie; or doing advanced research on the absorbency of those new paper towels we saw on TV… oh never mind. Fred, what the …?
But, no! To each his own! This is supposed to be a free country, right? Don’t we as adults have a right to go to an adult movie house, where no children are supposedly allowed to go, and watch adult movies with other adults and if we want to whack off – or have someone help us to whack off – in the semi-public setting there, why not? Who on Earth is going to be offended by such behavior, in such a setting?
Oh, that’s right! We forgot: the goddamned Sodom and Gomorrah Police Department, whose long-armed defenders of apple pie, police brutality and virginity are paid to be offended at everything not pre-approved by “Focus on the Family”!
And, we ask you, sisters and brothers: If we workers don’t have the freedom to jerk off in an XXX-rated movie house – in Los Angeles of all places – in the Year Of Our Lord 2012, my brothers and sisters DO WE HAVE ANY FREEDOM AT ALL?
Mr. Willard’s friends in the “comedy world” have, as one would expect of such a tribe of stalwart defenders of freedom of expression, rallied to his defense.
“I love Fred Willard. He’s a great guy. For his birthday I’m getting him a den and a computer” said longtime pal Albert Brooks, probably while working at the fundraising rally to help defray the costs of Mr. Willard’s legal defense and for the even more daunting struggle to redeem Mr. Willard’s self-respect after such an embarrassingly pubic, uh, we mean public (of course)… emission, er, that is – admission – of palpability… we mean, uh, that is, um… culpability.
But what we really find obscene is not Mr. Willard’s brave fight for the right of elderly people to willingly expose themselves to the savage caress of public opinion, but the fact that, in 2012, there still exist units of the police that are paid by the citizens of the United States to worm their way into adult movie theaters and interpose themselves between consenting adults out looking for a bit of harmless sexual fun. This kind of crap should have gone the way of the dinosaurs long ago; instead these “morals cop” patrols are kept alive by a phony political class that likes to point their fingers at folks they find “morally deficient” while they and their rich patrons rob the nation blind and slash funding to public schools, healthcare and anti-AIDS funding.
And as if they aren’t revolting enough, we even have the knee-jerks at Public Television in the “Athens of America” (that’s Boston, Mass., believe it or not) who summarily fired Fred Willard from his job as host of “Market Warriors” the moment they heard that he’d been arrested – not convicted; arrested – for “public indecency”. Hooray for Public Broadcasting, Defenders of Youth and the Public Morals! Perhaps they should demand that Mr. Willard drink a glass of Hemlock as punishment for “corrupting the morals of the youth” as their antecedents did so famously and so nobly in that “other” Athens – the Athens of ancient Greece?
“Jeanne Hopkins, a spokeswoman for WGBH, the Boston public broadcaster that produces the show, said via e-mail, ‘Given the unfortunate news reported today, effective immediately, Fred Willard no longer will be involved with the “Market Warriors” series.’ ” [Source: New York Times “Arts Beat” blog by Elizabeth Jensen: “Fred Willard Loses PBS Job After Arrest”, July 19, 2012]
Another champion of the US Constitution and the supposedly enshrined US principle of “innocent until proven guilty”, PBS President Paula Kerger witlessly chipped in that the network didn’t want Fred Willard’s arrest to become “a distraction”. A distraction from what? The endless fundraising appeals constantly run by PBS in order to squeeze cash from the working people in order to pay for such timeless classic programming as that flag-waving whitewashing patriotic paean to American Exceptionalism, “The American Experience”? Do they not want to upset the delicate moral fiber of such longtime PBS sponsors as Lockheed Martin and Boeing, builders of the nation’s machinery of war? Or the US Department of Energy, custodians of the US’ stockpile of nuclear weapons, capable of turning the entire planet into a smoking cinder in less than 15 minutes? PBS, your censorship of Fred Willard is obscene. Give him his job back, now! Let ye without cum on your hands cast the first stone!
Anyway, we say to the moralists and their police forces: Hands off Fred Willard! (Everyone else can do whatever they’d like with Fred, so long as they get his permission first!)
And drop all the charges against Fred Willard and all the many, many other citizens accused of – and jailed for – these victimless crimes. This is 2012 for christ’s sake. When is this country ever going to grow up?
PS: For those of you who wish to perform more research on this fascinating subject, and who find yourselves in the Los Angeles area, the address of the Tiki Theatre is 5462 Santa Monica Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90029.